The Assignment

It has been several weeks since my last entry... a busy summer, indeed. I will try to make my entries more regular once school is back in session and we are running on a consistent schedule!

During these several weeks on summer vacation I met a new friend who is somewhat new to the divorced, middle-aged, LDS, dating world and shares many of the same hopes and fears that the rest of us do. (Will I ever get remarried? Will I find a good guy/girl? Is my life going where it is supposed to? Where do I go to find nice guys/girls to date? etc, etc.)

I will add to this also that after going through divorce, many people feel they are somewhat tainted or dysfunctional... and perhaps there may be things needed to be addressed by a professional and I recommend that. It can only help, right? But more so, I think we tend to label ourselves as failures - even subconsciously - and while we are working our way out of the divorce abyss it is imperative that we keep our eye on the light ahead. Divorce is not a permanent location and we have lives ahead of us to work toward and lives to live right now as we go through the process.

My friend, who I'll call Deb for privacy's sake, asked for some advice on these questions that seem to plague her and dampen her spirits... these questions do this to all of us, don't they? So I thought I'd share with you the letter I wrote her in response.... I titled it "The Assignment."

Deb -

You are funny... actually my girlfriend had been graduated from college for several years before meeting her husband online. She was living in Chicago and her husband lived in Iowa somewhere 4-5 hours away. He made the trek to see her one night and... click. Don't get me wrong - theirs was no fairytale ending. She ended up being diagnosed with bipolar disorder and he suffers from depression. Life is difficult - as it is for anyone - but they are working it out despite their medical troubles.

But her story gives me hope.... I wonder sometimes if there is someone like me, who just this last time will give it one last chance and go to just one more dance with the hope that he too will show up this one last time, but i don't think it works that way.

I tell Heavenly Father sometimes that if he wants me to marry again, he's gonna have to lead him right to my doorstep! ha ha! But seriously, if we think back on the guys who've meant something in our lives - including our ex-husbands - we could very well pinpoint every little miracle that led us to meet them in the first place. What were the chances? Really?

My ex-husband met via mini-miracle. We were both in the military and ended up at the same base in California. He was from a unit in Louisiana and I from a unit in Utah. He was in the Spanish language school and I in the Serbian/Croatian school - on opposite ends of the base. We met at the Rec Center playing basketball on Veterans Holiday - and that because we were the only two people in the gym, everyone else left the base for the holiday. I can tell that I never would have noticed him had I not had that one-on-one time with him. And... to complicate things further, he wasn't supposed to have gone for Spanish. He was originally scheduled for Arabic school which didn't start until after my school was finished. If he hadn't been switched to Spanish at last minute we would have missed each other.

Small miracles??? I had no idea why I was joining the military - I just felt so strongly that was where i belonged. I thought it was because I was meant to learn a foreign language fluently and save the world.... or at least emancipate Kosovo. It was a mini-miracle - to meet the man I was supposed to marry. The language training was just a medium. I wasn't preparing for it (marriage) or actively working toward it... I didn't even want it at the time, I was so busy with my work and studies and the sense of purpose I felt in pursuing those things.

I think that's the key - doing things that keep us "engaged in a good cause."

I know Heavenly Father understand our individual situations... I have tried the dances, firesides, etc. and I understand that you're supposed to go where the singles are... but... I also have a 5 year old with autism who thrives on a schedule and it doesn't help him for me to leave him with a babysitter to haphazardly put him to bed so I can go to a friday night dance or a fireside. I"ll still go sometimes, but I only get there for the last hour or so and I just tell myself it's the best I can do.... if you want me to meet someone he'll have to find me. I'm trying.

And then I get tired of going to those activities and seeing the same crowd and knowing the guy for me isn't going to be there - not the type of guy I'm looking for. The guy I am after has a sound career and a life he is already living... I'd probably have more success finding him on the golf course than at a dance.

I think I am just the opposite of you... I don't want to know his stuff right away, or at all if I can help it. All I want to know is who he is right now and who he intends to become. And that will be revealed through the dating process. I pay close attention to their actions and don't put much stock in what they say. A lot of men seem to be big talkers - and you're right! They will tell you anything to make out with you and there are some that are very very good at it. I fell for it last year - met a nice guy who seems to have his head on straight and he talked me right down on the couch before I knew what was happening. I was very uncomfortable, but so out of dating practice and freshly divorced from a dysfunctional marriage I couldn't defend myself very well... thank goodness he left for a military tour. He came back six months later on leave and took me to dinner and tried the same thing again... this time I knew exactly what was happening and could see through it.

I used to worry about finding someone who would genuinely love me, but I don't worry anymore. I know I have developed enough strength to sift through the muck and find a good man in there somewhere. And that strength has only come from my working on my testimony and keeping my commitments and covenants which has taught me who I am and what I am for.... and that gives a confidence nothing else can replace.

We really have an advantage, you know... knowing so well what we want. It's such a different dating world at this age and things move much more quickly than when we were younger. So, here's my synopsis:

I think to meet real men, with real jobs and real lives we ought to join some extracurricular activites like: golfing, running clubs, etc. What do men like to do? (figure that out and then we go there... maybe the shooting range? That's actually a lot of fun!)

I've heard it takes 3 years to get over a divorce... I gotta say this: I think our men will come into our lives in a way that will seem like another mini-miracle to us... but only when we are ready for them. and perhaps the growth we are experiencing while being on our own can't happen in any other way and is in large part a preparation for the wonderful relationship we will have. I don't want to rush that preparation and find myself unprepared for this wonderful man.

The assignment, then, is to figure out what we are supposed to be working on and learning in the meantime. What is the purpose for our lives and where do we feel the most joy, peace, and contentment? I've told you my plans to return to school, I think... there is no way this is not the right path for me. So many little mini-miracles have occurred just for me and have led me to the decision - but it was not easy for me at all!!!! In fact, it has been a year and a half of torture wondering what I should do. I have left my current job, turned down a great opportunity at BYU, and other things that seem crazy from the outside perspective. But, I know it the right path for me. Perhaps I will meet my future husband in school? Maybe I won't meet him for a few years? Maybe it will be even longer than that... it doesn't matter. I am taking care of me and that feels right.

Pray for good friends to come into our lives... pray for good men to date and to choose from... pray to feel peace with our circumstances as they are right now... and live our own lives for ourselves.

The Vortex

Several years ago, when I was based in Salt Lake City with my job in the airlines, I flew a regular route to Alaska during the winter time. We'd stop in Anchorage and then hop over to Fairbanks, which is near the North Pole.... well, North Pole, Alaska anyway. (But, hey.... I can at least say I've been to the "North Pole".... saw Santa and everything! ;)

Fairbanks is kind of a flat, extremely dry, barren, and frozen place in the winter time, very much like I imagine outer Siberia to be. In fact, it is so bad that overnight you have to drench a few towels and hang them dripping wet over a chair in order not to wake up with a really bad headache and accompanying nosebleed. 

The flight up to Fairbanks is what makes the pounding headache and sensitive nosebleed all worthwhile. Due to the close proximity to the North Pole one can very often witness what Galileo once called "the red dawn of the north" that we know today as the Aurora effect... and the view from the cockpit is absolutely incredible.

The Aurora, for those of you who don't know your physics, looks exactly like the "Neutral Zone" or plasma barrier on Star Trek Next Generation.... in fact, I very much expected the Starship Enterprise to to appear! The energy between the millions of collisions of solar particles with atmospheric gases is emitted as photons - light particles - making it appear as lights that seem to move across the sky.

These particles travel from the sun through space anywhere from 300-1000 km/s! And, the reason we only see this effect at each of the poles is due to the Earth's magnetic field, which is most prevalent at the north and south poles.... in fact, if it weren't for the earth's atmosphere acting as sort of a shield against these deadly particles, directing them to the more magnetic regions of the earth where they collide with the gases present, the planet would be uninhabitable.

The resulting effect of the aurora is an ethereal experience that induces quiet reverence and reflection as one stares in paralyzing amazement.... and makes you realize both your own insignificance and yet your vast importance on this earth at the same time. 

Most of us have had a significant other in our lives that on our way through our relationship produced a similar experience of amazement and reverence in ourselves that caused us to kneel down and express thanks for this wonderful person that has come into our lives. But how many of these wonderful people remain wonderful? And how long does this "aurora effect" last?

When I met my ex-husband I knew he was meant for me. We were a perfect fit... and I would often find myself crying in happiness and gratitude for such a wonderful man. His atmospheric gases engulfed my millions of solar particles to create such a light show that not even I could believe.... It was exquisite....until we landed in "outer Siberia."

For a long time after we split he would call me regularly, several times a week sometimes, and I couldn't figure out why I was so unsuccessful in my goals to drop a few pounds until I realized that every time we talked he pushed me right back into the emotional vortex I was trying so desperately to climb out of.... taking it out on Otis Spunkmeyer chocolate chip cookies (my favorite), instead of the rightful party.

Once I identified what was going on, it became very clear to me how to get control of my ship  and stop the downward spiral once and for all.... 

Though I have since moved on, I learned much from that relationship.... and there is still a sad part in my heart because of what could have been - yet I expect that anyone who has had a similar experience would feel the same. That time when we experience an aurora effect in our relationships truly can be an ethereal experience - as we see each other's God given potential - and that is an exciting, wonderful thing. 

While there is no real way to ensure that our significant others live up to or at least reach for their potential, what are we doing for ourselves in the meantime? Are we living up to our own potential? Are we taking care of ourselves? Are we doing the things we deem necessary for our own happiness and growth? And.... what happens to us when we are let down and hurt so much to the point that we feel devoured by the vortex that won't seem to let us go no matter how hard we try. Frankly.... I'm a little sick of Otis's cookies, not to mention I'd like my figure back.

The first step out of the vortex.... you didn't think I'd leave you there, did you?.... is recognizing your inner self and understanding how you talk to yourself.  When I finally figured it out I realized that I had some seriously negative self talk going on.... and interestingly this only seemed to happen on "phone call days." The truth was I didn't like who I was or had become with my ex and every time we talked I fell right back into that person. Kind of like going home and reverting back to your childhood self - the person you've tried very hard to grow up from. Once I recognized the patterns, I came up with a plan.

You need a plan.... this is essential! How can a person go on a successful diet if they haven't figured out what their defense tactic is against the hungries when they strike? Make a plan for how you will deal with things should you not fair as well as you thought you would. If you leave yourself defenseless you'll sink even deeper into the vortex.

The second step is recognizing your negative self talk and REALIZE that the exact opposite is the truth. Ask yourself where your thoughts are coming from.... if they are uplifting, peaceful thoughts you know they're from the right source and if they're not, feel free to use the "get thee hence" tactic. And, if you feel the way I do about things, then doubting yourself - or your value - makes you very angry as you don't want to give Satan such a pleasurable moment, no matter how brief it may be.... that means he wins and you just won't have that.

And step three... learn to love the process and have faith and patience. God loves a plan.... and he has one for each of us. I believe if we make our own plans He will guide us through them and bless us along the way. Map your plan out step by step. What do you want? How can you get it? What kind of husband/wife do you really want? What can you do to find him/her? What kind of husband/wife do you want to be? What do you need to do to achieve that? Do you need a stable career path? Regular activity in your ward? Increase your testimony or knowledge of the Gospel? Or even to lose a few pounds? What steps can you take to accomplish these things? Why not do these things if it will attract the kind of person you want in your life? What is stopping you? Fear? Doubt? Better check your sources.... 

With God, all things are possible. Memorize that. Apply it in every facet. There is nothing standing in your way but you and the choices you make. I believe the choices you make out of fear and doubt will lead you down the wrong path, but the choices you make out of faith and confidence in God will lead you to the right person, the right career, the right result, and the happiness and success you want and deserve. And, should you find yourself in outer Siberia, as I did where the potential I once saw was nowhere in sight, even though you followed your faith, stay strong... we can't control the actions of others, but Heavenly Father will make it up to us tenfold. There is a plan in effect and the plan rolls forward despite the upsets that seem to beset us.... we have yet our work to do. Our job is to remain faithful, do all that is in our power to do, and trust Heavenly Father will provide.... and He always does.

-cl

Keep Your Chin Up

During this holiday weekend, and during some holidays I sometimes get reminded that I'm alone and don't have a partner to share my life with.....yet....and while I like to use Table9 as a place for humor, laughter, sharing ideas and um...therapy....once in a while I like to share a message a of hope that we can all drink in and learn from. -- dl

He Said - Real Men Don't Have Lists

With all due respect to my lovely female counterpart and to late night funny man David Letterman this is an aspect of the dating world that typically leaves men scratching their heads, not to mention, sometimes their corneas out.

I, myself have dated women who not only have a list, but have been crazy enough to share it with me. They unfold that tiny piece of paper that seems to have been given 800 hundred folds. While she's unfolding this microscopic piece of paper it gets bigger till you realize that it's not just one sheet of 8x11, but several of them attached together. Lucky you!! Upon further inspection your eyes get wider looking for the nearest exit as you are amazed she can fit that many words on a sheet of paper that leave the length of "War and Peace" in the dust while requiring a Urim and Thumim to decipher. (For you Non-LDS that's a fancy breastplate with rocks used for translating Reformed Egyptian)

It leaves us bamboozled, bewildered and well......freaked out, not to mention oft times hurt. No guy likes being told..."Sorry pal....you didn't make the cut." I understand that each woman has certain needs (money...cough, cough) and that she needs to feel taken care of (money...cough, cough), but don't you think it's hard enough to shake the crazy stereotype without doing a play by play breakdown of whether the next guy meets her lists and criteria? I can see the episode played out in my mind now........as we drift to a dreamy sequence with a field of poppies and the dainty princess decked out in her best Scarlett O'Hara outfit.......or if you're Mormon, a scene at the reflection pool in Temple Square with her journal and hope chest in tow, searching for an answer as to whether he's "The One."

"Oh Johnny.....you're so manly....you're just, well, dreamy! You're everything that I've ever wanted....BUT....I must consult the list!" As her white gloved hand reaches into her perfectly shiny leather purse with umbrella overhead to shield her from the rays of the sun...she pulls out...(drum roll)....the list.....

"Let's see...

#1. Handsome (giggles).

#2. He can provide security (money...cough cough)

#3. He graduated Lambda Lambda Lambda from BYU with a Major in Dorkery.

#4. He's taller than me......especially if I'm in high heels! (try telling a gal sometime you won't date other girls that weigh more than you....but it's okay for them to not date midgets...this is not suggested for those men not wishing to sing a couple octaves higher or sound like a munchkin the next day)

#5. He has a soul patch.....so dreamy....he's a bad boy.

#6. I can fall asleep on his Biceps without getting a kinked neck.

#7. He doesn't compliment me just to try to get me to have sex with him (I think).

#8. He makes six figures (no more coughing)

#9. He passed the Best Friend Test....Louise likes him so he's gotta be good!

#10. He'll let me dress him whenever I come home from shopping because I found a Tommy Hilfiger shirt that would look so hot on him!

And if You're into Mormon Dating.....wow where do we begin?

#1. We're from the same tribe!

#2. We read our Patriarchal Blessings together on our 2nd date.

#3. He's never been inside a Bishops Office outside of getting a calling

#4. I felt along the pantleg and yes...he wears his garments.

#5. He's so ambitious with his Rockin MLM *money.... cough, cough*

#6. He's a member of the Elders Quorum Presidency and I just know that one day he's gonna be Bishop!

#7. He has a running expense account at Deseret Book

#8. He liked my Capri's!

#9. Our first Road Trip was down to the Manti Temple Pageant!

#10. He cast bad spirits out of my apartment one night after I got into an argument with my roommates (You girls are the best... I love you!)....so I know he's a worthy Priesthood Holder.

I could go on and on, but I digress.

Does a guy have a list that he writes out? The answer is unequivocally no! Now are there things that we look for and want and need in a woman? Absolutely, but only the very....weird eccentric metrosexuals would ever commit these to pen and paper, but hey it's the 21st Century, so what do I know? I've never met a man that whipped out a list from his journal, wallet, PalmPilot or FranklinCovey Day Planner. Although I did actually see a guy pull one out from the pocket of his scriptures carrier a couple of years ago, which gave me pause...and then I got back to realizing I was being bored by the current speaker and that snapped me back to the real world.

Now please beloved, before the entire Relief Society shows up outside my window with torches and pitchforks, I do understand a woman's need for a list. Well kind of. They simply are smarter than we are. They really are. But they're also much more complicated than men... and by that very nature need a list to narrow things down to a million or two.

They decide what they want and then they go out and get it...that is unless they keep on falling for that same kind of guy...you know the kind I'm talking about that we'll address in a different blog down the road....where the girl just seems to have a soft spot in heart for Douche Bags...but when that dreamy Rhett Butler or Edward (Twilight seems to be the thing nowadays) comes walking through that door they want it to be perfect. I'd like to think that Most Women won't reject or eliminate a man that doesn't fit every minute criteria..... but the older I get the more I've heard the dreaded phrase that every man hears.... you know what I'm talking about..... that line we hear in what seems to be that high pitched voice that just pierces your brain..."I REFUSE TO SETTLE!"....well with a list that could put The Book of World Records to shame honey... good luck with that. Your list has just ruined something potentially great even though your heart and soul tell you otherwise. That's why I have a problem with lists.

Given my take on this topic I fully admit an irony that exists here.... because I trust women's intuition more than I do men's. That's a lesson I learned from my mother when I was 18 years old.... but when it comes to what men are looking for in a mate, they tend to be more intuitive in knowing it when they see her and find her. They just know it...."the list" is more of a mental compartmentalized type of thing that may naturally evolve over time. I know when I fall in love... I just know it and I don't need to complicate things because she might not fit #4 or #97. When you're truly in love... it's messy, scary, fun and gives you that feeling when you hit the top hill on the roller coaster and are about to speed downward. Enjoy the ride, just don't toss your cookies.

Myself for example.... after my divorce I struggled for quite awhile not really knowing what I want, but at this stage in my life, I'm 36 and without question I now know what I'm looking for and the kind of girl I'm looking for. I'm looking for a gal that fits a small area of criteria and who's as imperfect as I am. I don't need to jot the list down because I just know... and a lot of times the problems with lists is they can blind a gal to a great guy that she can truly be happy with, even if he doesn't fit the entire criteria. And in scenarios like that, when reality has hit her and that guy is walking out the door, well.... as my man Rhett once said..."Frankly my dear I don't give a damn."

-- dl

The Checklist: Finding Your Top Ten

I know I set my standards kind of high and it's certainly not that I'm trying to find another Joseph Smith with whom to seal myself, it's just that.... well, I'm a girl.... and like any other typical girl, I've been planning my future since I was 5 years old... when Blake, my best friend who lived down the street (and had the best Star Wars figurine collection ever) agreed to marry me. 

While my standards at 5 years old have certainly progressed to match my now 30-something needs.... and you can't rightly form a relationship around a guy's action figure collection (even though he had Princess Leia).... it actually started back then. I saw something I wanted, something I just knew would make me happy. I thought long and hard about it and tucked it safely away in my mind for just the right time when I would know this very important thing should be mine, and being the savvy negotiator (or impatient 5 year old) that I was.... made a deal. "Okay, Blake, I'll marry you IF I can have Princess Leia."

And so began the checklist. Every girl has one. Some are long, some are short, some are excessive, simple, or reasonable, and some are completely off the mark, but... they are individually ours; made up of all the things we've collected over the years, things learned from good experiences, things learned from bad experiences.... but all are things we deem important for our happiness. 

I like the checklist.... though some misunderstand the practicality of it, and yet there are many more still who misunderstand the power of it. In any case, it is my opinion that every girl should have at least a Top Ten. I think you'll find that once you complete your Top Ten that dating becomes somewhat easier, more objective, which sounds unromantic but in reality is merely a tool to help you find what you are looking for, and not take things too personally in the meantime.

The Top Ten is not meant to be a personalized list for whatever suits your fancy.... it is meant as a practical application - especially for us girls - because as we women know too well.... we are easily distracted. As a group we are ambitious, emotionally intelligent, people-pleasing beings.... but throw a possible husband-kind-of-guy in the mix and we fall off our wagon. It is all too easy for us to drop our pursuits in order to support his. 

The Top Ten should include the essentials, the deal breakers.... the things you cannot live without. For example, if "worthy priesthood holder," is important to you, enough to put it on your Top Ten... and you're dating a guy who never seems to make it to Priesthood meeting (and sorry guys, but sitting on the couch outside the Priesthood room doesn't count as attendance), you might rethink pursuing the relationship further... in fact, if I were you, I'd run.

Or, perhaps "will iron my garments" is on your guy's Top Ten..... well, that's just ridiculous.  So, good luck with that one I guess.... not that I'm speaking from personal experience.  ;)

While none of us knows how or when we will meet and marry the man we hope to find, I argue that perhaps we have not prepared ourselves properly or fully for the event. Are we then just sitting by, doing nothing but waiting? And what should we be doing to prepare? Well, that's really a topic for another time, however I will say this.... I believe that one cannot properly prepare without really knowing oneself and that means understanding and identifying your priorities.... which is where the Top Ten checklist comes into play and what better use of our time or energy while we wait for Mr. Right to show up, and maybe.... just maybe it will help us identify HIM. 

Now, I realize this is an individual issue and your own Top Ten should reflect the individual qualities/items that are necessary for you to build a happy life with someone. For this reason, I urge you be strong and firm about them... this is about your happiness after all. But, be reasonable also.... if you get caught up in your "priorities" you might miss out on your opportunities.  

--cl

So.... You're Telling Me There's a Chance!?!

Have you ever been to a picnic/bbq where the sunny weather couldn't be more beautiful, the company more enjoyable, the marinade more delectable, and the watermelon deliciously juicy and flavorful...... and then there's that one gnat that no matter how you try to shoo it away, continues it's annoying flyby's buzzing in your ear?

And then if the buzzing stops, you wonder if you accidentally ate it..... 

Nope, there's that darn buzzing again. The stupid thing won't die as you spend at least 30 minutes trying to clap it to death - and continuously missing it - before giving up. It's as if it singled you out specifically, and you'd swear you could hear it laughing at you as you curse Adam under your breath for this obnoxious pest.

Online dating - and the world of texting - is, in my opinion and experience, the worst part of dating as a Mormon single.... yet it is also one of the best. Some people naturally seem to know how to go about this kind of getting-to-know-you protocol, and then there are ten times more who just don't. Those are what I like to call: MSG (Mormon Single Gnat)

MSG is always where you don't want him to be.... like when I log on to my LDS single site and my chat window opens up within 5 seconds. I literally dread checking my email on these things for this very reason because undoubtedly it's the gnat I couldn't kill from the login before.

MSG never seems to get the message.... no matter how you approach it. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

My favorite is "Defensive MSG." This is the guy that accuses you of being judgmental after you decide to halt all communication when he reveals something disturbing.... like his poker addiction. And somehow in your efforts to get out of the conversation, his inability to keep the commandments becomes your shortcoming. (what the...!?!)

I've tried to be nice - I always try to be nice. It doesn't matter if it's chatting online, emails, or texting.... Then I try to be more clear.... then I resort to ignoring them and finally I'm so put out that I become upset.... and have even had to block a few of these gnats. (thank goodness for that saving option). 

It's a nasty cycle and not good on either party... I certainly don't appreciate being driven to that point... honestly, where's the respect? I protest! In fact, I insist that there is a better way..... 

One thing I have found through my work experience is that people respond to HONESTY.... doesn't matter how escalated things have become, honesty works every time.... and I'll teach you a magic phrase that can get you out of almost anything - with minimal resistance. But first let's explore why honesty is such a hard topic or approach. 

I don't know if this is just the Utah in me or what, but in the past, I've danced around the truth.... I've said everything but the truth, whether out of fear of hurting someone's feelings (such a girl thing to do) or I may not have even identified what the truth is yet, however, even when I figured it out, I'd still dance around it for the fear of being wrong....

Then, I had the amazing experience of living in Louisiana for 7 years.... and let me tell you - people down there tell you the TRUTH. They don't care how it comes out - they're doing you a favor! And how refreshing that is.

So here's my take..... tell the truth. It shows respect to yourself and to MSG. Honesty is always the best policy.... You can try: I'm not interested, but good luck to you.... and if that doesn't work, use the magic phrase: 

"I'm not comfortable with _______...." 

You can't argue with feelings, they trump every time.

--cl

"So.... you're telling me there's a chance!"

The Psycho Files - Case # 823589A-P1

I am sometimes told that my stories seem too out there. That I somehow embellish them or make them up. My response to that is *drum roll*....The Psycho Files. These are actual events, places, people and err.........psychos. This will be a recurring feature on Table9Singles.

The following is an actual excerpt of a conversation I had not more than 2 days ago with a girl.

Her: "So, what are you doing this weekend?"

Me: "Well I'm going to a movie tonight with my brother and then going over to a friends house tmrw night to barbecue, hang out and work on our blog. What about you...what are you gonna do?"

Her: "Well I'm gonna go shopping with my crossdressing guy friend."

Me: "I'm sorry...what was that?"

Her: "My guy neighbor...he hasn't come out of the closet yet and he's a crossdresser, so I like to go shopping with him to help him get clothes."

*CLICK*

Conversation Part II The Next Day..

Her: "So Did I weird you out by telling you about shopping with my friend?"

Me: "(laughing)....What do YOU think?"

Her: "Probably yes. He's a friend that's troubled and can be open with me...So I try to be there for him."

Me: "Oh I always have gals I meet online that tell me they like to go shopping to help their crossdressing guy friends find clothes for them."

Her: "(Laughing)....I lived in Seattle long enough to not be weirded out by it I guess."

Me: "Yeah, I'd be pretty much weirded out by it no matter where I lived.......um...."

Her: (Interrupting me) "It's like I do it,,,I just like to help out my friend sometimes."

Me: "Now THAT'S a conversation I wanna be in on......."Hey so I hear they're having a bra sale a Victoria's...you wanna go?!" ......"O...M....G.....like....yeah.....I'm getting a run in my hose too."

Her: "Are you serious? Are you not wanting to see me now because I told you that?"

Me: "I gotta admit it's right up there with a girl I talked to last Summer who told me that her cats take showers with her everyday."

Her: "He's actually really shy and I've only been shopping with it twice and he won't do it while my daughter is here."

Me: (in my most sarcastic tone)..."Hey at least you can't blame the guy for not having any scruples."

Her: "What is that supposed to mean? Are you a bigot?"

Me: "Do you typically tell men you haven't met yet that you like to go shopping with your cross dressing guy friend?"

Her: "Well in that case I can tell you all about our night last night.."

Me: "No thanks...I think the whole I like to go help my crossdressing guy friend find clothes thing is good enough for my next blog entry...."

*CLICK (from her end)*.

--DL

How Do Guys Get Dates?

After pondering this particular idea for a few days, it suddenly hit me.

Well okay...not suddenly, but maybe with the blunt force trauma of a tack hammer. This is something guys don't confuse, complicate, nor worry too much about. We often behave in a B.C. type manner...."Me see...Me want....Me like....Me ask!"

A little while back I asked a friend of mine how to know when too soon it is to ask a girl out...whether it be a 1st or 2nd date and his classic response was short and to the point.....and I quote.

"She likes you, you like her. If you blow chunks and she bolts, then it wasn't meant to be."

Though it's been rare where I've met someone who has actually driven me to that level of physical nausea, I would say for us guys,,,it really is THAT simple.

Thus endeth the lesson.

-- dl

How To Get a First Date

I remember my first boyfriend well..... M. MacFarlane.... (sigh).  We met when I was a junior in High School. I had it for him bad, too..... couldn't concentrate on anything, he was such a plague!

We met in the weight room, lifting for track practice. A few glances were exchanged.... weeks later we graduated to saying hello..... and eventually it led to goofing off.  I got really strong..... but he never asked me out. 

Months later, after he graduated and I was now a senior in high school, I ran into him haphazardly one Tuesday night at 5 pm in the Wilkinson Center at BYU...... and wow - I was still head over heels in love with him! .... so guess where I was on Thursday night at 5 pm? 

Yep.... two more "accidental run-ins" and he was mine. We dated for almost a year before he left on his mission. (Things clearly didn't work out for us though.... or I'd be writing this as Carlin MacFarlane.... and that wasn't about to happen).

I've wondered since then what the difference was that led him to finally ask me out.... and while I may never know the truth, I do have a couple of theories:

Theory #1: It was High School.... need I say more? Okay, there is one element in this that warrants mentioning. That is, the setting in which we met each other. 

You see, we only knew each other from the High School weight room - the only association he had made with me...... until I saw him outside the weight room at BYU. Suddenly he saw me differently. I was no longer that cute girl over there grunting as I do the military press, now I was that cute girl at BYU, dressed in normal girl clothes, with other "girly" interests than weight lifting. All I had to do was put the idea in his mind by showing up. Guys are visual creatures..... they need to actually see you - and see you in different settings, sometimes more than once or twice - before they make up their minds to ask you out.

Theory #2:  We had a common interest. While the weight room in one instance seemed to work against me, it also worked for me. It was our connection - our shared pastime. How fun is it to go out with someone with whom you have absolutely nothing in common? Yikes! Most guys have hobbies.... they like to do things. If they find a girl who enjoys the same activities they do, they just might very well think they've found gold. 

Theory #3:  We had already established an attraction for one another. We already knew we were attracted to each other.... all those months flirting back and forth. If a guy is attracted to you, he'll let you know...... subtle as it may be. If his attraction to you is in question, perhaps he needs a little of theories #1 & #2 to help him make up his mind.... Let him see you in a different setting. Let him see you period! 

And.... if you still don't get a reaction out of him, move on. You're not his type and  he's not what you're looking for either..... and that's okay. The process of dating is about finding what fits and choosing from there...... 

Think of it as one gigantic dressing room..... We're all just trying each other on for size to see if we fit. Sometimes we fall in love with that one outfit we just know is perfect for us! But, to our dismay, it doesn't come in our size, or perhaps is out of our price range and NOTHING we do will bring it within our reach. It becomes more about trying to squeeze ourselves into a size 2, which is really about our own egos if you stop and think about it, than looking for an outfit that flatters perfectly our own unique body composition.

There are also outfits on the clearance rack..... and while the capture of such a "bargain" may make us feel pleased, and even proud, momentarily...... we'd be settling for last season's designs which we know, while it would do just fine, won't make  us entirely happy either. 

The key is to find the perfect outfit at the perfect price, in the perfect size..... a sometimes daunting task, which can only be accomplished by going through the exciting, exhausting, discouraging, and sometimes torturous exercise of shopping..... however, at the end of the day, you will come home with an outfit that seems to be tailor made just for you..... and NOTHING will make you feel happier. It will flatter you in every way and make you feel like a million bucks..... and you may very well spend the rest of your life wondering how you got so lucky to have come across such a find!

--cl

The Interview Part II: She Said

When I was in college the get-to-know you questions typically included: "So, what's your major?" "Where do you live?" "What ward are you in?" and "Where are you from?" --- All in an innocent effort to find some common ground and interests..... or perhaps just an excuse to talk to that cute guy in biology. We identifed ourselves by our majors and from there weighed and measured possible dating outcomes.... 

As a mid-single the approach is, well.....not so innocent.

While our now years of experience have left some of us jaded, and even more of us confused, it seems to me that we have lost some of who we are....and were.....along the way.

No longer do we identify ourselves by majors but by stats and status. (See that guy over there? that's Joe... he's divorced with 3 kids.... but he's employed!). I remember one instance - really more of a cruel initiation into the mid-singles world - a first date with a guy who, in my novice opinion, showed promise.....

It was a lovely afternoon.... just perfect for a pork salad at Cafe Rio with a total stranger. As I walked through the door dressed in my cutest Big Star jeans - the ones with the perfect pockets that make my derrière look incredible - and makeup just right to bring out my green eyes,  a fairly good-looking guy stood up to greet me. I blew a sigh of relief as I noticed he was actually taller than my own 5'10"..... and still had hair.

The approval was mutual, judging by the grin on his face, and I could almost see his own anxiety melt away as he recognized, to his immediate relief, my claim to an "average build" did in fact mean, average build. 

We ordered our salads one after the other and laughed approvingly after realizing we ordered our salads the exact same way. It was like starring in an LDS fiction/romance movie...... until we sat down to eat...... and talk.

We hit it off.... (He was divorced, active in church, wanted a family, had a good job.... and even had food storage)...... or so it seemed, until he blurted out all the reasons for his divorce.

Maybe some people can handle that much personal information at one time. For me, it's totally overwhelming..... And for heaven's sake.... at least give me a chance to get to know you before I..... uh.....really know you.

After several duck and rolls, attempting to ward off his #1 objective to choke a confession out of me, I caved under the heat as he shot one question after another. Maybe it was the truth serum he sneaked into my salad dressing, that made me betray myself, although I pleaded for humane and equal treatment. But, eventually, my name, rank, service # and DOB just weren't enough to bypass the torture.

 

Him (still not giving up on getting my confession): "I feel it's best just to lay it all out on the table upfront. That way you know what you're dealing with."

Me: (huh?)

I wanted to demand a pencil and notepad to document this Law of War violation.

Him: What was your mission at the time of capture?

Me: Hmmmmm....well, if I tell you then I'll have to kill you.

My question is this: Why do we insist on knowing someone's history and to what end?

If we spend all our effort and energy in overcoming the "dirt" in our lives only to have to dig it up time and again, how do we ever leave the past and move forward?

I am who I am today because of my experiences of yesterday....hopefully it has made me a better person. I think it has. And if I'm right, you should be thanking your lucky stars...and not get hung up on the why.

Maybe stats and status aren't really all so important....in the eternal realm of things.....and maybe if we get to know today's version of one another, and leave yesterday's right where it belongs, we might have a fighting chance and maybe even a second date. ;)

-- cl

The Interview

I know what you're thinking. You see the title of this post and think, "uh-oh". Not because you're afraid of what I might say, but because we've all been there.

We've all been the interviewee...that poor sucker on the receiving end of an examination that would put the best of any John Grisham courtroom clown to shame.

In the Mormon Dating World this can be an especially bizarre experience. I will provide just one of what could be many examples.

This is a true and exact excerpt from a date I had in late Spring of 08'.

We begin....30 seconds after being seated at a local SLC Restaurant:

#1. Her: "So..what's your story?"

Me: "What do you want to know? I've got a lot of history just like anyone."

Her: "Well I mean in the church...have you always been active? Do you currently hold a recommend? What have you done your in past?"

Me (Already Sweating Profusely): "Those are some pretty loaded questions for a 1st date, how bout we just have fun instead of hook me up to a worthiness metronome?"

Her: "Well if you don't have anything to hide,,,I don't see the point in wasting time."

Me (looking for the closet sharp object to poke my eyes out with): "Well...what exactly do you want to know?"

Her: "When's the last time you kissed a girl?"

Me (slightly exasperated): "Do you want dates, times, length and whether tongue was involved?"

Her: No response...................as silence takes over, and I get her evil stare that could power up a thousand suns permeating the room and destroys what started out as a pleasant evening.

Now that's just a partial and honest example and truth be told a pretty tame one of several experiences I've had in the Mormon dating world when it comes to being grilled by the opposite sex.

I've met gals who don't think there's anything wrong with knowing a man's play by play discretions that he's gone over with previous Bishops. In the past 2 years I've met 6 different gals who by the end of the date probably thought I leaned somewhere left of Beelezebub because I wouldn't pull out my booty scorecard for them to analyze and criticize.

I try resisting, but after under the interrogation lights and water boarding techniques, one can only take so much examination before they usually crack...so...I laid it out on the line for her and told her what she wanted to know.....later on she wondered why I never asked her out again.

Sometimes I get a gal who wishes she wouldn't have asked me. Sometimes I get a..."that's cool...no biggie." But this particular gal in my story raked me over the coals after I gave in to her.....she apparently was looking for "The 40 Year Old Virgin", but I came up empty in my search for Steve Carell's business card to pass on.

Ironically, I found out a short time later this girl had made out and hooked up with more men than social security had retired.

I guess my point is rather simple. Getting to know a person and the baggage they carry and learning about their past will typically come out anyway......but....here's an amazing concept taught since the dawn of time......I.E....also known as "THE ATONEMENT"....If there's a connection and you have chemistry, in the long run, it won't matter anyway, so long as you're willing to grin n bear it....unless of course you're looking for guy who is worthy of wearing a Urim and Thummim.

Learn to move on. Otherwise you may miss out on someone pretty great that's had some amazing experiences that has a level of compassion is to be admired and in many cases an understanding that exceeds our own.

And in case you're wondering....no...my NCMO Punch Card isn't really THAT bad. :)

-- dl.

WHAT IS MORMON DATING?

HE SAID.........

Mormon Dating is torture.......not in a Jack Bauer kind of way mind you, but even Mr. Bauer would relent under this kind of pressure. 

In order to understand the culture of Mormon Dating, might I recall to your memory one of many anvil head smashing scenes as the Road Runner constantly mocks Wile E. Coyote....in essence you can often feel like you're pursuing to no avail while getting your head, heart, and eternal hopes dashed time and again. 

Ever heard of Cafe Rio? They have a punch card where you get a free meal after 10 punches. That's an awful lot of beans and bad breath for a free meal, but hey the pure bliss of hearing those words echo throughout the establishment...FREE MEAL... is so satisfying.  

In Mormon dating, there is no free meal. You'll get 10 punches for sure, or 70294870943758, depending on your level of stupidity.... or resilience. I know what you're thinking.... that's a lot of punches but even after all your efforts you often find yourself back at square one, wishing you could go back to beans and bad breath. Welcome to my world.

Why do I voluntarily subject myself to this torture you might ask? I'll let you know when I find the answers. 

I suspect I already know some of the answers, and maybe you do too.  

Maybe because loneliness is everything it's cracked up to be and I believe there's still someone out there for me no matter how hard I am to deal with.   

Maybe because I don't like sitting in church alone. 

Maybe because I'm an old-fashioned, hopeless romantic. 

Maybe because I'm hoping that somewhere among the sea of psychos there's that "one."

Just maybe.

You might be wondering how does this or any other kind of dating differ from the Mormon dating world? 

Stick around my friends.  You're about to find out. 

dl 

SHE SAID.........

If it were possible to describe to someone outside of our Mormon singles world what exactly Mormon dating entails, I might just find myself in a straight jacket..... and deservedly so as the exercise of repeating the same actions over and over again, hoping that maybe this time will be different, could very well be considered insanity.

For instance, didn't I attend stake dances as a YA? (And I'm pretty sure I didn't care for them then either…… but then, that’s just me. I’m not much of a Dancing Queen). Why, why am I still attending stake dances/aka Singles or Dees dances?

Because that's where you're supposed to go to meet a good guy..... or at least that's what they tell me.

So far as I know, I’m still looking.

Oh, I'm patient enough..... after all, the older - generation gap - men very nearly fight over who gets to dance with me and I even gave the token tall guy a second glance..... until he felt compelled to tell me during the 2 minute dance we were sharing, that he can't work because of his untreated OCD.

I've even faced my singles dance stalker time and again even though I try to be unpredictable, but there he is, every time..... in some form or other, following me all over the gym.... and at this point, I don't mind hearing all about your 27 grandchildren….. and sure, pull me a little closer grandpa and maybe this guy will take the hint..... probably not.

Besides the problem with incompatibility in a dance partner, or hopeful husband hunting ground, these activities have seemed to become just another place for Mormon singles everywhere to spew their life histories onto each other in less than a minute and a half.... all the while fighting generation gap’s too close embrace and lamenting to yourself, "No! Please no.... not another Latin rhythm song!" as you watch that one couple waltzing professionally by...... You know who they are. They're the ones who wear their special shoes each week.

Then, there's Munch & Mingles.... a brilliant activity and one I enjoy quite a bit, but it can feel totally awkward to someone who is visiting and knows pretty much no one – which is pretty much everyone. In that case, M&Ms begin to look more like the stake dances you attended as a youth..... except there's no music.

Singles Temple night is another activity I prefer, though I sometimes get annoyed with all the heads looking around the room, surely thinking to themselves that  certainly, if they could get a good look at who's there, they’ll recognize the “one” - especially under these inspired circumstances. And of course, my favorite….. the come on line in the Celestial room, "Wow... you look just like an angel in white." (Okay……Whoa on the personal revelation my friend….. I’m pretty sure I didn’t get the same message).

And why do I do this? Why do I repeatedly submit myself to this dating torture?

Because in order to meet your Mr. Right,  you have to go where the singles are. 

Because I too am lonely and tired of sitting in church alone.

Because I believe that underneath the insanity, there's a smart, timely, self-interested plan implemented for each of our individual purposes and that the happiness we seek in finding our eternal mates is very near to each of us if we do what we need to do. 

And, because I am romantic..... and hopeful that even amidst the 99%, I'll find my future in that 1% who happens to show up for the same reasons I do...... that maybe, just maybe this time will be different!

cl