The Assignment

It has been several weeks since my last entry... a busy summer, indeed. I will try to make my entries more regular once school is back in session and we are running on a consistent schedule!

During these several weeks on summer vacation I met a new friend who is somewhat new to the divorced, middle-aged, LDS, dating world and shares many of the same hopes and fears that the rest of us do. (Will I ever get remarried? Will I find a good guy/girl? Is my life going where it is supposed to? Where do I go to find nice guys/girls to date? etc, etc.)

I will add to this also that after going through divorce, many people feel they are somewhat tainted or dysfunctional... and perhaps there may be things needed to be addressed by a professional and I recommend that. It can only help, right? But more so, I think we tend to label ourselves as failures - even subconsciously - and while we are working our way out of the divorce abyss it is imperative that we keep our eye on the light ahead. Divorce is not a permanent location and we have lives ahead of us to work toward and lives to live right now as we go through the process.

My friend, who I'll call Deb for privacy's sake, asked for some advice on these questions that seem to plague her and dampen her spirits... these questions do this to all of us, don't they? So I thought I'd share with you the letter I wrote her in response.... I titled it "The Assignment."

Deb -

You are funny... actually my girlfriend had been graduated from college for several years before meeting her husband online. She was living in Chicago and her husband lived in Iowa somewhere 4-5 hours away. He made the trek to see her one night and... click. Don't get me wrong - theirs was no fairytale ending. She ended up being diagnosed with bipolar disorder and he suffers from depression. Life is difficult - as it is for anyone - but they are working it out despite their medical troubles.

But her story gives me hope.... I wonder sometimes if there is someone like me, who just this last time will give it one last chance and go to just one more dance with the hope that he too will show up this one last time, but i don't think it works that way.

I tell Heavenly Father sometimes that if he wants me to marry again, he's gonna have to lead him right to my doorstep! ha ha! But seriously, if we think back on the guys who've meant something in our lives - including our ex-husbands - we could very well pinpoint every little miracle that led us to meet them in the first place. What were the chances? Really?

My ex-husband met via mini-miracle. We were both in the military and ended up at the same base in California. He was from a unit in Louisiana and I from a unit in Utah. He was in the Spanish language school and I in the Serbian/Croatian school - on opposite ends of the base. We met at the Rec Center playing basketball on Veterans Holiday - and that because we were the only two people in the gym, everyone else left the base for the holiday. I can tell that I never would have noticed him had I not had that one-on-one time with him. And... to complicate things further, he wasn't supposed to have gone for Spanish. He was originally scheduled for Arabic school which didn't start until after my school was finished. If he hadn't been switched to Spanish at last minute we would have missed each other.

Small miracles??? I had no idea why I was joining the military - I just felt so strongly that was where i belonged. I thought it was because I was meant to learn a foreign language fluently and save the world.... or at least emancipate Kosovo. It was a mini-miracle - to meet the man I was supposed to marry. The language training was just a medium. I wasn't preparing for it (marriage) or actively working toward it... I didn't even want it at the time, I was so busy with my work and studies and the sense of purpose I felt in pursuing those things.

I think that's the key - doing things that keep us "engaged in a good cause."

I know Heavenly Father understand our individual situations... I have tried the dances, firesides, etc. and I understand that you're supposed to go where the singles are... but... I also have a 5 year old with autism who thrives on a schedule and it doesn't help him for me to leave him with a babysitter to haphazardly put him to bed so I can go to a friday night dance or a fireside. I"ll still go sometimes, but I only get there for the last hour or so and I just tell myself it's the best I can do.... if you want me to meet someone he'll have to find me. I'm trying.

And then I get tired of going to those activities and seeing the same crowd and knowing the guy for me isn't going to be there - not the type of guy I'm looking for. The guy I am after has a sound career and a life he is already living... I'd probably have more success finding him on the golf course than at a dance.

I think I am just the opposite of you... I don't want to know his stuff right away, or at all if I can help it. All I want to know is who he is right now and who he intends to become. And that will be revealed through the dating process. I pay close attention to their actions and don't put much stock in what they say. A lot of men seem to be big talkers - and you're right! They will tell you anything to make out with you and there are some that are very very good at it. I fell for it last year - met a nice guy who seems to have his head on straight and he talked me right down on the couch before I knew what was happening. I was very uncomfortable, but so out of dating practice and freshly divorced from a dysfunctional marriage I couldn't defend myself very well... thank goodness he left for a military tour. He came back six months later on leave and took me to dinner and tried the same thing again... this time I knew exactly what was happening and could see through it.

I used to worry about finding someone who would genuinely love me, but I don't worry anymore. I know I have developed enough strength to sift through the muck and find a good man in there somewhere. And that strength has only come from my working on my testimony and keeping my commitments and covenants which has taught me who I am and what I am for.... and that gives a confidence nothing else can replace.

We really have an advantage, you know... knowing so well what we want. It's such a different dating world at this age and things move much more quickly than when we were younger. So, here's my synopsis:

I think to meet real men, with real jobs and real lives we ought to join some extracurricular activites like: golfing, running clubs, etc. What do men like to do? (figure that out and then we go there... maybe the shooting range? That's actually a lot of fun!)

I've heard it takes 3 years to get over a divorce... I gotta say this: I think our men will come into our lives in a way that will seem like another mini-miracle to us... but only when we are ready for them. and perhaps the growth we are experiencing while being on our own can't happen in any other way and is in large part a preparation for the wonderful relationship we will have. I don't want to rush that preparation and find myself unprepared for this wonderful man.

The assignment, then, is to figure out what we are supposed to be working on and learning in the meantime. What is the purpose for our lives and where do we feel the most joy, peace, and contentment? I've told you my plans to return to school, I think... there is no way this is not the right path for me. So many little mini-miracles have occurred just for me and have led me to the decision - but it was not easy for me at all!!!! In fact, it has been a year and a half of torture wondering what I should do. I have left my current job, turned down a great opportunity at BYU, and other things that seem crazy from the outside perspective. But, I know it the right path for me. Perhaps I will meet my future husband in school? Maybe I won't meet him for a few years? Maybe it will be even longer than that... it doesn't matter. I am taking care of me and that feels right.

Pray for good friends to come into our lives... pray for good men to date and to choose from... pray to feel peace with our circumstances as they are right now... and live our own lives for ourselves.