Keep Your Chin Up

During this holiday weekend, and during some holidays I sometimes get reminded that I'm alone and don't have a partner to share my life with.....yet....and while I like to use Table9 as a place for humor, laughter, sharing ideas and um...therapy....once in a while I like to share a message a of hope that we can all drink in and learn from. -- dl

He Said - Real Men Don't Have Lists

With all due respect to my lovely female counterpart and to late night funny man David Letterman this is an aspect of the dating world that typically leaves men scratching their heads, not to mention, sometimes their corneas out.

I, myself have dated women who not only have a list, but have been crazy enough to share it with me. They unfold that tiny piece of paper that seems to have been given 800 hundred folds. While she's unfolding this microscopic piece of paper it gets bigger till you realize that it's not just one sheet of 8x11, but several of them attached together. Lucky you!! Upon further inspection your eyes get wider looking for the nearest exit as you are amazed she can fit that many words on a sheet of paper that leave the length of "War and Peace" in the dust while requiring a Urim and Thumim to decipher. (For you Non-LDS that's a fancy breastplate with rocks used for translating Reformed Egyptian)

It leaves us bamboozled, bewildered and well......freaked out, not to mention oft times hurt. No guy likes being told..."Sorry pal....you didn't make the cut." I understand that each woman has certain needs (money...cough, cough) and that she needs to feel taken care of (money...cough, cough), but don't you think it's hard enough to shake the crazy stereotype without doing a play by play breakdown of whether the next guy meets her lists and criteria? I can see the episode played out in my mind now........as we drift to a dreamy sequence with a field of poppies and the dainty princess decked out in her best Scarlett O'Hara outfit.......or if you're Mormon, a scene at the reflection pool in Temple Square with her journal and hope chest in tow, searching for an answer as to whether he's "The One."

"Oh Johnny.....you're so manly....you're just, well, dreamy! You're everything that I've ever wanted....BUT....I must consult the list!" As her white gloved hand reaches into her perfectly shiny leather purse with umbrella overhead to shield her from the rays of the sun...she pulls out...(drum roll)....the list.....

"Let's see...

#1. Handsome (giggles).

#2. He can provide security (money...cough cough)

#3. He graduated Lambda Lambda Lambda from BYU with a Major in Dorkery.

#4. He's taller than me......especially if I'm in high heels! (try telling a gal sometime you won't date other girls that weigh more than you....but it's okay for them to not date midgets...this is not suggested for those men not wishing to sing a couple octaves higher or sound like a munchkin the next day)

#5. He has a soul patch.....so dreamy....he's a bad boy.

#6. I can fall asleep on his Biceps without getting a kinked neck.

#7. He doesn't compliment me just to try to get me to have sex with him (I think).

#8. He makes six figures (no more coughing)

#9. He passed the Best Friend Test....Louise likes him so he's gotta be good!

#10. He'll let me dress him whenever I come home from shopping because I found a Tommy Hilfiger shirt that would look so hot on him!

And if You're into Mormon Dating.....wow where do we begin?

#1. We're from the same tribe!

#2. We read our Patriarchal Blessings together on our 2nd date.

#3. He's never been inside a Bishops Office outside of getting a calling

#4. I felt along the pantleg and yes...he wears his garments.

#5. He's so ambitious with his Rockin MLM *money.... cough, cough*

#6. He's a member of the Elders Quorum Presidency and I just know that one day he's gonna be Bishop!

#7. He has a running expense account at Deseret Book

#8. He liked my Capri's!

#9. Our first Road Trip was down to the Manti Temple Pageant!

#10. He cast bad spirits out of my apartment one night after I got into an argument with my roommates (You girls are the best... I love you!)....so I know he's a worthy Priesthood Holder.

I could go on and on, but I digress.

Does a guy have a list that he writes out? The answer is unequivocally no! Now are there things that we look for and want and need in a woman? Absolutely, but only the very....weird eccentric metrosexuals would ever commit these to pen and paper, but hey it's the 21st Century, so what do I know? I've never met a man that whipped out a list from his journal, wallet, PalmPilot or FranklinCovey Day Planner. Although I did actually see a guy pull one out from the pocket of his scriptures carrier a couple of years ago, which gave me pause...and then I got back to realizing I was being bored by the current speaker and that snapped me back to the real world.

Now please beloved, before the entire Relief Society shows up outside my window with torches and pitchforks, I do understand a woman's need for a list. Well kind of. They simply are smarter than we are. They really are. But they're also much more complicated than men... and by that very nature need a list to narrow things down to a million or two.

They decide what they want and then they go out and get it...that is unless they keep on falling for that same kind of guy...you know the kind I'm talking about that we'll address in a different blog down the road....where the girl just seems to have a soft spot in heart for Douche Bags...but when that dreamy Rhett Butler or Edward (Twilight seems to be the thing nowadays) comes walking through that door they want it to be perfect. I'd like to think that Most Women won't reject or eliminate a man that doesn't fit every minute criteria..... but the older I get the more I've heard the dreaded phrase that every man hears.... you know what I'm talking about..... that line we hear in what seems to be that high pitched voice that just pierces your brain..."I REFUSE TO SETTLE!"....well with a list that could put The Book of World Records to shame honey... good luck with that. Your list has just ruined something potentially great even though your heart and soul tell you otherwise. That's why I have a problem with lists.

Given my take on this topic I fully admit an irony that exists here.... because I trust women's intuition more than I do men's. That's a lesson I learned from my mother when I was 18 years old.... but when it comes to what men are looking for in a mate, they tend to be more intuitive in knowing it when they see her and find her. They just know it...."the list" is more of a mental compartmentalized type of thing that may naturally evolve over time. I know when I fall in love... I just know it and I don't need to complicate things because she might not fit #4 or #97. When you're truly in love... it's messy, scary, fun and gives you that feeling when you hit the top hill on the roller coaster and are about to speed downward. Enjoy the ride, just don't toss your cookies.

Myself for example.... after my divorce I struggled for quite awhile not really knowing what I want, but at this stage in my life, I'm 36 and without question I now know what I'm looking for and the kind of girl I'm looking for. I'm looking for a gal that fits a small area of criteria and who's as imperfect as I am. I don't need to jot the list down because I just know... and a lot of times the problems with lists is they can blind a gal to a great guy that she can truly be happy with, even if he doesn't fit the entire criteria. And in scenarios like that, when reality has hit her and that guy is walking out the door, well.... as my man Rhett once said..."Frankly my dear I don't give a damn."

-- dl

The Checklist: Finding Your Top Ten

I know I set my standards kind of high and it's certainly not that I'm trying to find another Joseph Smith with whom to seal myself, it's just that.... well, I'm a girl.... and like any other typical girl, I've been planning my future since I was 5 years old... when Blake, my best friend who lived down the street (and had the best Star Wars figurine collection ever) agreed to marry me. 

While my standards at 5 years old have certainly progressed to match my now 30-something needs.... and you can't rightly form a relationship around a guy's action figure collection (even though he had Princess Leia).... it actually started back then. I saw something I wanted, something I just knew would make me happy. I thought long and hard about it and tucked it safely away in my mind for just the right time when I would know this very important thing should be mine, and being the savvy negotiator (or impatient 5 year old) that I was.... made a deal. "Okay, Blake, I'll marry you IF I can have Princess Leia."

And so began the checklist. Every girl has one. Some are long, some are short, some are excessive, simple, or reasonable, and some are completely off the mark, but... they are individually ours; made up of all the things we've collected over the years, things learned from good experiences, things learned from bad experiences.... but all are things we deem important for our happiness. 

I like the checklist.... though some misunderstand the practicality of it, and yet there are many more still who misunderstand the power of it. In any case, it is my opinion that every girl should have at least a Top Ten. I think you'll find that once you complete your Top Ten that dating becomes somewhat easier, more objective, which sounds unromantic but in reality is merely a tool to help you find what you are looking for, and not take things too personally in the meantime.

The Top Ten is not meant to be a personalized list for whatever suits your fancy.... it is meant as a practical application - especially for us girls - because as we women know too well.... we are easily distracted. As a group we are ambitious, emotionally intelligent, people-pleasing beings.... but throw a possible husband-kind-of-guy in the mix and we fall off our wagon. It is all too easy for us to drop our pursuits in order to support his. 

The Top Ten should include the essentials, the deal breakers.... the things you cannot live without. For example, if "worthy priesthood holder," is important to you, enough to put it on your Top Ten... and you're dating a guy who never seems to make it to Priesthood meeting (and sorry guys, but sitting on the couch outside the Priesthood room doesn't count as attendance), you might rethink pursuing the relationship further... in fact, if I were you, I'd run.

Or, perhaps "will iron my garments" is on your guy's Top Ten..... well, that's just ridiculous.  So, good luck with that one I guess.... not that I'm speaking from personal experience.  ;)

While none of us knows how or when we will meet and marry the man we hope to find, I argue that perhaps we have not prepared ourselves properly or fully for the event. Are we then just sitting by, doing nothing but waiting? And what should we be doing to prepare? Well, that's really a topic for another time, however I will say this.... I believe that one cannot properly prepare without really knowing oneself and that means understanding and identifying your priorities.... which is where the Top Ten checklist comes into play and what better use of our time or energy while we wait for Mr. Right to show up, and maybe.... just maybe it will help us identify HIM. 

Now, I realize this is an individual issue and your own Top Ten should reflect the individual qualities/items that are necessary for you to build a happy life with someone. For this reason, I urge you be strong and firm about them... this is about your happiness after all. But, be reasonable also.... if you get caught up in your "priorities" you might miss out on your opportunities.  

--cl

So.... You're Telling Me There's a Chance!?!

Have you ever been to a picnic/bbq where the sunny weather couldn't be more beautiful, the company more enjoyable, the marinade more delectable, and the watermelon deliciously juicy and flavorful...... and then there's that one gnat that no matter how you try to shoo it away, continues it's annoying flyby's buzzing in your ear?

And then if the buzzing stops, you wonder if you accidentally ate it..... 

Nope, there's that darn buzzing again. The stupid thing won't die as you spend at least 30 minutes trying to clap it to death - and continuously missing it - before giving up. It's as if it singled you out specifically, and you'd swear you could hear it laughing at you as you curse Adam under your breath for this obnoxious pest.

Online dating - and the world of texting - is, in my opinion and experience, the worst part of dating as a Mormon single.... yet it is also one of the best. Some people naturally seem to know how to go about this kind of getting-to-know-you protocol, and then there are ten times more who just don't. Those are what I like to call: MSG (Mormon Single Gnat)

MSG is always where you don't want him to be.... like when I log on to my LDS single site and my chat window opens up within 5 seconds. I literally dread checking my email on these things for this very reason because undoubtedly it's the gnat I couldn't kill from the login before.

MSG never seems to get the message.... no matter how you approach it. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

My favorite is "Defensive MSG." This is the guy that accuses you of being judgmental after you decide to halt all communication when he reveals something disturbing.... like his poker addiction. And somehow in your efforts to get out of the conversation, his inability to keep the commandments becomes your shortcoming. (what the...!?!)

I've tried to be nice - I always try to be nice. It doesn't matter if it's chatting online, emails, or texting.... Then I try to be more clear.... then I resort to ignoring them and finally I'm so put out that I become upset.... and have even had to block a few of these gnats. (thank goodness for that saving option). 

It's a nasty cycle and not good on either party... I certainly don't appreciate being driven to that point... honestly, where's the respect? I protest! In fact, I insist that there is a better way..... 

One thing I have found through my work experience is that people respond to HONESTY.... doesn't matter how escalated things have become, honesty works every time.... and I'll teach you a magic phrase that can get you out of almost anything - with minimal resistance. But first let's explore why honesty is such a hard topic or approach. 

I don't know if this is just the Utah in me or what, but in the past, I've danced around the truth.... I've said everything but the truth, whether out of fear of hurting someone's feelings (such a girl thing to do) or I may not have even identified what the truth is yet, however, even when I figured it out, I'd still dance around it for the fear of being wrong....

Then, I had the amazing experience of living in Louisiana for 7 years.... and let me tell you - people down there tell you the TRUTH. They don't care how it comes out - they're doing you a favor! And how refreshing that is.

So here's my take..... tell the truth. It shows respect to yourself and to MSG. Honesty is always the best policy.... You can try: I'm not interested, but good luck to you.... and if that doesn't work, use the magic phrase: 

"I'm not comfortable with _______...." 

You can't argue with feelings, they trump every time.

--cl

"So.... you're telling me there's a chance!"

The Psycho Files - Case # 823589A-P1

I am sometimes told that my stories seem too out there. That I somehow embellish them or make them up. My response to that is *drum roll*....The Psycho Files. These are actual events, places, people and err.........psychos. This will be a recurring feature on Table9Singles.

The following is an actual excerpt of a conversation I had not more than 2 days ago with a girl.

Her: "So, what are you doing this weekend?"

Me: "Well I'm going to a movie tonight with my brother and then going over to a friends house tmrw night to barbecue, hang out and work on our blog. What about you...what are you gonna do?"

Her: "Well I'm gonna go shopping with my crossdressing guy friend."

Me: "I'm sorry...what was that?"

Her: "My guy neighbor...he hasn't come out of the closet yet and he's a crossdresser, so I like to go shopping with him to help him get clothes."

*CLICK*

Conversation Part II The Next Day..

Her: "So Did I weird you out by telling you about shopping with my friend?"

Me: "(laughing)....What do YOU think?"

Her: "Probably yes. He's a friend that's troubled and can be open with me...So I try to be there for him."

Me: "Oh I always have gals I meet online that tell me they like to go shopping to help their crossdressing guy friends find clothes for them."

Her: "(Laughing)....I lived in Seattle long enough to not be weirded out by it I guess."

Me: "Yeah, I'd be pretty much weirded out by it no matter where I lived.......um...."

Her: (Interrupting me) "It's like I do it,,,I just like to help out my friend sometimes."

Me: "Now THAT'S a conversation I wanna be in on......."Hey so I hear they're having a bra sale a Victoria's...you wanna go?!" ......"O...M....G.....like....yeah.....I'm getting a run in my hose too."

Her: "Are you serious? Are you not wanting to see me now because I told you that?"

Me: "I gotta admit it's right up there with a girl I talked to last Summer who told me that her cats take showers with her everyday."

Her: "He's actually really shy and I've only been shopping with it twice and he won't do it while my daughter is here."

Me: (in my most sarcastic tone)..."Hey at least you can't blame the guy for not having any scruples."

Her: "What is that supposed to mean? Are you a bigot?"

Me: "Do you typically tell men you haven't met yet that you like to go shopping with your cross dressing guy friend?"

Her: "Well in that case I can tell you all about our night last night.."

Me: "No thanks...I think the whole I like to go help my crossdressing guy friend find clothes thing is good enough for my next blog entry...."

*CLICK (from her end)*.

--DL