How Do Guys Get Dates?

After pondering this particular idea for a few days, it suddenly hit me.

Well okay...not suddenly, but maybe with the blunt force trauma of a tack hammer. This is something guys don't confuse, complicate, nor worry too much about. We often behave in a B.C. type manner...."Me see...Me want....Me like....Me ask!"

A little while back I asked a friend of mine how to know when too soon it is to ask a girl out...whether it be a 1st or 2nd date and his classic response was short and to the point.....and I quote.

"She likes you, you like her. If you blow chunks and she bolts, then it wasn't meant to be."

Though it's been rare where I've met someone who has actually driven me to that level of physical nausea, I would say for us guys,,,it really is THAT simple.

Thus endeth the lesson.

-- dl

How To Get a First Date

I remember my first boyfriend well..... M. MacFarlane.... (sigh).  We met when I was a junior in High School. I had it for him bad, too..... couldn't concentrate on anything, he was such a plague!

We met in the weight room, lifting for track practice. A few glances were exchanged.... weeks later we graduated to saying hello..... and eventually it led to goofing off.  I got really strong..... but he never asked me out. 

Months later, after he graduated and I was now a senior in high school, I ran into him haphazardly one Tuesday night at 5 pm in the Wilkinson Center at BYU...... and wow - I was still head over heels in love with him! .... so guess where I was on Thursday night at 5 pm? 

Yep.... two more "accidental run-ins" and he was mine. We dated for almost a year before he left on his mission. (Things clearly didn't work out for us though.... or I'd be writing this as Carlin MacFarlane.... and that wasn't about to happen).

I've wondered since then what the difference was that led him to finally ask me out.... and while I may never know the truth, I do have a couple of theories:

Theory #1: It was High School.... need I say more? Okay, there is one element in this that warrants mentioning. That is, the setting in which we met each other. 

You see, we only knew each other from the High School weight room - the only association he had made with me...... until I saw him outside the weight room at BYU. Suddenly he saw me differently. I was no longer that cute girl over there grunting as I do the military press, now I was that cute girl at BYU, dressed in normal girl clothes, with other "girly" interests than weight lifting. All I had to do was put the idea in his mind by showing up. Guys are visual creatures..... they need to actually see you - and see you in different settings, sometimes more than once or twice - before they make up their minds to ask you out.

Theory #2:  We had a common interest. While the weight room in one instance seemed to work against me, it also worked for me. It was our connection - our shared pastime. How fun is it to go out with someone with whom you have absolutely nothing in common? Yikes! Most guys have hobbies.... they like to do things. If they find a girl who enjoys the same activities they do, they just might very well think they've found gold. 

Theory #3:  We had already established an attraction for one another. We already knew we were attracted to each other.... all those months flirting back and forth. If a guy is attracted to you, he'll let you know...... subtle as it may be. If his attraction to you is in question, perhaps he needs a little of theories #1 & #2 to help him make up his mind.... Let him see you in a different setting. Let him see you period! 

And.... if you still don't get a reaction out of him, move on. You're not his type and  he's not what you're looking for either..... and that's okay. The process of dating is about finding what fits and choosing from there...... 

Think of it as one gigantic dressing room..... We're all just trying each other on for size to see if we fit. Sometimes we fall in love with that one outfit we just know is perfect for us! But, to our dismay, it doesn't come in our size, or perhaps is out of our price range and NOTHING we do will bring it within our reach. It becomes more about trying to squeeze ourselves into a size 2, which is really about our own egos if you stop and think about it, than looking for an outfit that flatters perfectly our own unique body composition.

There are also outfits on the clearance rack..... and while the capture of such a "bargain" may make us feel pleased, and even proud, momentarily...... we'd be settling for last season's designs which we know, while it would do just fine, won't make  us entirely happy either. 

The key is to find the perfect outfit at the perfect price, in the perfect size..... a sometimes daunting task, which can only be accomplished by going through the exciting, exhausting, discouraging, and sometimes torturous exercise of shopping..... however, at the end of the day, you will come home with an outfit that seems to be tailor made just for you..... and NOTHING will make you feel happier. It will flatter you in every way and make you feel like a million bucks..... and you may very well spend the rest of your life wondering how you got so lucky to have come across such a find!

--cl

The Interview Part II: She Said

When I was in college the get-to-know you questions typically included: "So, what's your major?" "Where do you live?" "What ward are you in?" and "Where are you from?" --- All in an innocent effort to find some common ground and interests..... or perhaps just an excuse to talk to that cute guy in biology. We identifed ourselves by our majors and from there weighed and measured possible dating outcomes.... 

As a mid-single the approach is, well.....not so innocent.

While our now years of experience have left some of us jaded, and even more of us confused, it seems to me that we have lost some of who we are....and were.....along the way.

No longer do we identify ourselves by majors but by stats and status. (See that guy over there? that's Joe... he's divorced with 3 kids.... but he's employed!). I remember one instance - really more of a cruel initiation into the mid-singles world - a first date with a guy who, in my novice opinion, showed promise.....

It was a lovely afternoon.... just perfect for a pork salad at Cafe Rio with a total stranger. As I walked through the door dressed in my cutest Big Star jeans - the ones with the perfect pockets that make my derrière look incredible - and makeup just right to bring out my green eyes,  a fairly good-looking guy stood up to greet me. I blew a sigh of relief as I noticed he was actually taller than my own 5'10"..... and still had hair.

The approval was mutual, judging by the grin on his face, and I could almost see his own anxiety melt away as he recognized, to his immediate relief, my claim to an "average build" did in fact mean, average build. 

We ordered our salads one after the other and laughed approvingly after realizing we ordered our salads the exact same way. It was like starring in an LDS fiction/romance movie...... until we sat down to eat...... and talk.

We hit it off.... (He was divorced, active in church, wanted a family, had a good job.... and even had food storage)...... or so it seemed, until he blurted out all the reasons for his divorce.

Maybe some people can handle that much personal information at one time. For me, it's totally overwhelming..... And for heaven's sake.... at least give me a chance to get to know you before I..... uh.....really know you.

After several duck and rolls, attempting to ward off his #1 objective to choke a confession out of me, I caved under the heat as he shot one question after another. Maybe it was the truth serum he sneaked into my salad dressing, that made me betray myself, although I pleaded for humane and equal treatment. But, eventually, my name, rank, service # and DOB just weren't enough to bypass the torture.

 

Him (still not giving up on getting my confession): "I feel it's best just to lay it all out on the table upfront. That way you know what you're dealing with."

Me: (huh?)

I wanted to demand a pencil and notepad to document this Law of War violation.

Him: What was your mission at the time of capture?

Me: Hmmmmm....well, if I tell you then I'll have to kill you.

My question is this: Why do we insist on knowing someone's history and to what end?

If we spend all our effort and energy in overcoming the "dirt" in our lives only to have to dig it up time and again, how do we ever leave the past and move forward?

I am who I am today because of my experiences of yesterday....hopefully it has made me a better person. I think it has. And if I'm right, you should be thanking your lucky stars...and not get hung up on the why.

Maybe stats and status aren't really all so important....in the eternal realm of things.....and maybe if we get to know today's version of one another, and leave yesterday's right where it belongs, we might have a fighting chance and maybe even a second date. ;)

-- cl

The Interview

I know what you're thinking. You see the title of this post and think, "uh-oh". Not because you're afraid of what I might say, but because we've all been there.

We've all been the interviewee...that poor sucker on the receiving end of an examination that would put the best of any John Grisham courtroom clown to shame.

In the Mormon Dating World this can be an especially bizarre experience. I will provide just one of what could be many examples.

This is a true and exact excerpt from a date I had in late Spring of 08'.

We begin....30 seconds after being seated at a local SLC Restaurant:

#1. Her: "So..what's your story?"

Me: "What do you want to know? I've got a lot of history just like anyone."

Her: "Well I mean in the church...have you always been active? Do you currently hold a recommend? What have you done your in past?"

Me (Already Sweating Profusely): "Those are some pretty loaded questions for a 1st date, how bout we just have fun instead of hook me up to a worthiness metronome?"

Her: "Well if you don't have anything to hide,,,I don't see the point in wasting time."

Me (looking for the closet sharp object to poke my eyes out with): "Well...what exactly do you want to know?"

Her: "When's the last time you kissed a girl?"

Me (slightly exasperated): "Do you want dates, times, length and whether tongue was involved?"

Her: No response...................as silence takes over, and I get her evil stare that could power up a thousand suns permeating the room and destroys what started out as a pleasant evening.

Now that's just a partial and honest example and truth be told a pretty tame one of several experiences I've had in the Mormon dating world when it comes to being grilled by the opposite sex.

I've met gals who don't think there's anything wrong with knowing a man's play by play discretions that he's gone over with previous Bishops. In the past 2 years I've met 6 different gals who by the end of the date probably thought I leaned somewhere left of Beelezebub because I wouldn't pull out my booty scorecard for them to analyze and criticize.

I try resisting, but after under the interrogation lights and water boarding techniques, one can only take so much examination before they usually crack...so...I laid it out on the line for her and told her what she wanted to know.....later on she wondered why I never asked her out again.

Sometimes I get a gal who wishes she wouldn't have asked me. Sometimes I get a..."that's cool...no biggie." But this particular gal in my story raked me over the coals after I gave in to her.....she apparently was looking for "The 40 Year Old Virgin", but I came up empty in my search for Steve Carell's business card to pass on.

Ironically, I found out a short time later this girl had made out and hooked up with more men than social security had retired.

I guess my point is rather simple. Getting to know a person and the baggage they carry and learning about their past will typically come out anyway......but....here's an amazing concept taught since the dawn of time......I.E....also known as "THE ATONEMENT"....If there's a connection and you have chemistry, in the long run, it won't matter anyway, so long as you're willing to grin n bear it....unless of course you're looking for guy who is worthy of wearing a Urim and Thummim.

Learn to move on. Otherwise you may miss out on someone pretty great that's had some amazing experiences that has a level of compassion is to be admired and in many cases an understanding that exceeds our own.

And in case you're wondering....no...my NCMO Punch Card isn't really THAT bad. :)

-- dl.

WHAT IS MORMON DATING?

HE SAID.........

Mormon Dating is torture.......not in a Jack Bauer kind of way mind you, but even Mr. Bauer would relent under this kind of pressure. 

In order to understand the culture of Mormon Dating, might I recall to your memory one of many anvil head smashing scenes as the Road Runner constantly mocks Wile E. Coyote....in essence you can often feel like you're pursuing to no avail while getting your head, heart, and eternal hopes dashed time and again. 

Ever heard of Cafe Rio? They have a punch card where you get a free meal after 10 punches. That's an awful lot of beans and bad breath for a free meal, but hey the pure bliss of hearing those words echo throughout the establishment...FREE MEAL... is so satisfying.  

In Mormon dating, there is no free meal. You'll get 10 punches for sure, or 70294870943758, depending on your level of stupidity.... or resilience. I know what you're thinking.... that's a lot of punches but even after all your efforts you often find yourself back at square one, wishing you could go back to beans and bad breath. Welcome to my world.

Why do I voluntarily subject myself to this torture you might ask? I'll let you know when I find the answers. 

I suspect I already know some of the answers, and maybe you do too.  

Maybe because loneliness is everything it's cracked up to be and I believe there's still someone out there for me no matter how hard I am to deal with.   

Maybe because I don't like sitting in church alone. 

Maybe because I'm an old-fashioned, hopeless romantic. 

Maybe because I'm hoping that somewhere among the sea of psychos there's that "one."

Just maybe.

You might be wondering how does this or any other kind of dating differ from the Mormon dating world? 

Stick around my friends.  You're about to find out. 

dl 

SHE SAID.........

If it were possible to describe to someone outside of our Mormon singles world what exactly Mormon dating entails, I might just find myself in a straight jacket..... and deservedly so as the exercise of repeating the same actions over and over again, hoping that maybe this time will be different, could very well be considered insanity.

For instance, didn't I attend stake dances as a YA? (And I'm pretty sure I didn't care for them then either…… but then, that’s just me. I’m not much of a Dancing Queen). Why, why am I still attending stake dances/aka Singles or Dees dances?

Because that's where you're supposed to go to meet a good guy..... or at least that's what they tell me.

So far as I know, I’m still looking.

Oh, I'm patient enough..... after all, the older - generation gap - men very nearly fight over who gets to dance with me and I even gave the token tall guy a second glance..... until he felt compelled to tell me during the 2 minute dance we were sharing, that he can't work because of his untreated OCD.

I've even faced my singles dance stalker time and again even though I try to be unpredictable, but there he is, every time..... in some form or other, following me all over the gym.... and at this point, I don't mind hearing all about your 27 grandchildren….. and sure, pull me a little closer grandpa and maybe this guy will take the hint..... probably not.

Besides the problem with incompatibility in a dance partner, or hopeful husband hunting ground, these activities have seemed to become just another place for Mormon singles everywhere to spew their life histories onto each other in less than a minute and a half.... all the while fighting generation gap’s too close embrace and lamenting to yourself, "No! Please no.... not another Latin rhythm song!" as you watch that one couple waltzing professionally by...... You know who they are. They're the ones who wear their special shoes each week.

Then, there's Munch & Mingles.... a brilliant activity and one I enjoy quite a bit, but it can feel totally awkward to someone who is visiting and knows pretty much no one – which is pretty much everyone. In that case, M&Ms begin to look more like the stake dances you attended as a youth..... except there's no music.

Singles Temple night is another activity I prefer, though I sometimes get annoyed with all the heads looking around the room, surely thinking to themselves that  certainly, if they could get a good look at who's there, they’ll recognize the “one” - especially under these inspired circumstances. And of course, my favorite….. the come on line in the Celestial room, "Wow... you look just like an angel in white." (Okay……Whoa on the personal revelation my friend….. I’m pretty sure I didn’t get the same message).

And why do I do this? Why do I repeatedly submit myself to this dating torture?

Because in order to meet your Mr. Right,  you have to go where the singles are. 

Because I too am lonely and tired of sitting in church alone.

Because I believe that underneath the insanity, there's a smart, timely, self-interested plan implemented for each of our individual purposes and that the happiness we seek in finding our eternal mates is very near to each of us if we do what we need to do. 

And, because I am romantic..... and hopeful that even amidst the 99%, I'll find my future in that 1% who happens to show up for the same reasons I do...... that maybe, just maybe this time will be different!

cl